“Can I say something crazy? I love you”
I deny the emotion of love often. Very often.
I feel like I’m not sure if I love someone until I have experienced pain with them. And then after the so-called break-up, I feel like I never felt the emotion of love. Maybe it’s because I detach easily. Or I know myself emotionally all to well. I fantasize people into being the person I want, instead of the person they are. And until my feelings or hurt, or I am forced to detach, I don’t realize it sometimes.
I don’t do this with everyone, but usually the people that fit my outer image well. The hard workers, the men with good jobs, the men that live on their own – the ones that add to my independent character. The men I feel like can compete or keep up with a woman like me. I ignore their determination to misunderstand me, their dismissal of my feelings, their gaslighting.
UGH. I hate when people gaslight me. (You can’t successfully gaslight a psychology student, dummies).
“I love you more than your mother. More than you love yourself”.
I am too accepting of emotionally unavailable men. I have successfully taught two men how to love other women, even though they acted like loving me was the hardest, most impossible thing to do in the world. All because I overly fantasized who they are & did not believe them when they showed me who they are.
I almost did it a third time & if I did not learn my lesson in 2017, I definitely did in 2018.
